JoCo Cruise 2016: a misanthrope’s perspective

I was on the JoCo cruise last week. I’ve read quite a few pieces on it and everyone is gushing over it, so I figured I’d put up my perspective.

Basically, I’m not a fan. The point of a cruise seems to be to eat and drink as much as possible, pay as much money as possible, and have zero mental stimulation.

The freedom, or lack thereof

They search and X-ray everything you bring on the boat to make sure you’re not bringing more than two bottles of wine. Everything is very tightly controlled to make sure you end up parting with the maximum amount of money during your cruise, so there are a million tiny inconveniences like not being able to get a drink for a friend or leave the boat with a coffee.

The food

Is not very good. I love starch, but it was like a week of eating bread mush with lots of cheese. There’s a “secret” Indian menu I ordered from a lot, which was a slight improvement, but was basically like the worst of Indian Row in NYC.

The coffee was terrible. On of my friends actually brought beans, a grinder, and Aeropress after their experience last year.

The staff

The workers were either cringe-inducingly obsequient (memorizing our names and asking us repeatedly if there was anything else at all they could get us) or sullen and ignored us for as long as possible.

I originally wanted to report how I’d go up to a crewmember to ask a question and they’d ignore me for a few minutes, fiddling with their phone before saying “what?” but then I heard that Royal Caribbean fires people who don’t get 10s on their customer satisfaction surveys (which explains the other type of worker). I don’t really want to get them fired, I just want to be able to find out if I’m in the right place to go kayaking or whatever.

Also, almost all of passengers and almost none of the crew appeared to be white. That felt really weird.

The boat

Have you ever lived in a mall for a week? I have, and let me tell you, it’s depressing. It was like being trapped in an old McDonald’s with creepy injection-molded plastic everything bolted to the floor. It literally gave me nightmares.

The ports of call

Every port where we stopped had a giant fence around the cruise ship area. Want to go out and see what the island is like? No problem, either pay for a taxi or walk for a half-hour through Gucci stores and Ye Olde Touriste bars. I’m not sure whether they have these Area-51-type fences to keep the locals out or the tourists in, but either way, I hate it.

The on-ship entertainment

This is less relevant for next year, but the things the Royal Caribbean offered as “entertainment” were obnoxious. Talks on “how to buy an expensive watch” or “procedures you can have to look younger.” With the casino, the constant greatest-hits karaoke, the the bars every 30 feet, everything was about not thinking.

Minor, but annoying

You had to use hand sanitizer all the time, which was disgusting. Preferable to the alternative, but it always felt like someone drooling on my hands.

In conclusion…

My friends all loved it and are going back next year, but the whole experience made me want to go camping for the rest of my life.

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